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Another Introduction


Well, the first thing I have to say is hello. I'm slashmarks; the name was actually picked when I was half asleep and staring at a cut, so it doesn't actually have anything to do with my claws, but it still feels oddly appropriate, so I think I'll keep it.

I'm a cat person. I'm not really sure what kind of cat I am, though it's almost certainly small one, since I'm skittish most of the time and much more nervous in strange territory. I don't have a lot figured out, but for the past few days I've been reading and thinking and writing things down; the description of my behavior sounds like a cat, and descriptions I've read of being cat person seem so familiar I grin the whole time I'm reading them, so I'm going with that unless and until something contradicts it.

 

I should probably tell you that I've been aware of therianthropy since the middle of last summer. I spent a few weeks considering myself a therianthrope, and then... something happened. I can’t really remember what.

I told myself to grow up. And I put away the definition and kept most of the behavior I'd stopped denying until now. I walked on toes and occasionally all-fours, I hissed if I was mad at someone if it wouldn't cause trouble, I spread my fingers into claws and used them if I needed to fight, I thought of my feet as my paws and imagined fur covering my skin, and I told myself I was being a normal, human teenager. This, unsurprisingly, didn't always work; I'd spend a few hours as a cat, or a wolf, knowingly, then go back to my normal life. I've stopped doing that.

I've spent most of my life knowing I wasn't human, and keeping it under the surface so I didn't have to think about it. I've always known I had fur and four legs, but I started out, as far as I can remember, as a horse. I was a horse, I galloped and trotted and did a surprisingly good approximation of a whinny, and I had sharp, hard hooves to kick with. Maybe I was a horse then; I've certainly changed an incredible amount, to the point where people who've known me for that long – like my mother - say I don't seem like the same person, even allowing for aging (I'm a teenager, if you're curious,)

Then again, I was in kindergarten when I picked up a cat's hiss for use when angry or afraid, and I was always pretty annoyed when people thought I was pretending to be a snake, and I've always bit when fighting, too, so maybe not.

At any rate, I pretty much dismissed the horse idea around second or third grade. That, interestingly enough, was also when I stopped being so obsessed with proving things, and with not contradicting Known Science; I had a few friends, and we told ghost stories and convinced ourselves we were psychics.

Another two years past. I was a fourth grader, I had friends I thought of as a pack, even if I wasn’t always the closest to them, and I identified with wolves. The faces of wolves adorned my bedroom walls, I barked and howled, and when I ran on four legs I conjured up a wolf's tail, paws, and muzzle. I think that the wolf may have been a real part of me; it's just something I've outgrown. People do change, and my memories aren’t really detailed enough to be completely sure.

As another year or two past, I became solitary. I felt alone inside the group, and stayed quiet during discussions. I didn't really feel like I had friends; more than that, I didn't feel like I needed friends. I started to think of myself, once and for all, as a loner, something that started in third grade and numerous adults never managed to overcome to get me to socialize regularly.

One day, staring at the wolf picture on my wall, I had a thought. I didn't like people; I didn't really have a pack anymore. I wasn’t social. I wasn't a dog person.

Was I a cat person?

That idea stayed with me for years, while I hiss-snarled and ran on four legs and read while sprawled out on tree limbs. In July of 2008, I stumbled across some deluded cyber dragon's website while looking for information on ABCs(alien big cats, for those of you without an interest in cryptozoology) and noticed the word "therianthrope."

I did a few searches. I was enthralled; this was who I was. I knew it, and I had an identity.

 Then I lost it all for another year. But what can I say? I'm here now.

(apologies if this is somewhat incoherent. I probably should have waited until I wasn't exhausted to write this.)

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
badgerbird
Jun. 2nd, 2009 02:19 pm (UTC)
Badgers hiss, for one. They don't climb trees, but other weasels do.

Just saying....why does it have to be one of the big three: horse, cat, or canid? Bears have been known to hiss and climb too. And bark.

Not to throw another bend in your road, but maybe your inability to identify your form is stemming from looking at just these generalized behaviors. Lots of people start out that way, until they start looking deeper.

Welcome to the community, by the way.
slashmarks
Jun. 2nd, 2009 04:59 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the welcome.

I should probably mention that I'm just starting to look for a species, but like I said, I don't think I'm a wolf, even if I've acted like one- not actually a social animal anymore- and I really doubt I'm a horse. Horses don't generally find road kill appealing, for one thing. (Though there was one horse who stole hamburgers from the kids at the stable... but that's completely off-topic) Those were things I've thought of myself as in the past.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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