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Intro.

Hello, I go by "Ix" on this journal which has apparently become the name that refers to my spirituality and Therianthropy. Specifically it is from the 20-day Mayan calendar, from the day meaning "jaguar" (more on myself + jaguar later.)

Going by stories from my father, which he told me years ago, I used to insist I was a cat and then, when we eventually got some real ones as pets, used to try "turning into" one (and would apparently get upset at my lack of success.) As I grew older I just always strongly identified with felines in some way, despite my eventual obsession with seagulls and then horses. I hit upon the term "cat-person" in my head, although it progressed to "animal-person" through my various animal obsessions. And then...... dragons. Oh, I do love dragons.
The first group of people I ever met who believed they were somehow animals in a human body were Draconics. I met the much larger overall dragon-fan community of course, but these dragon-people really made an impression on me. The wonderful thing about dragons is that there are so many varied myths on them from across cultures, and in creating your "own" dragon you can really go with whatever you would like. Looking back now, it does not surprise me that my dragon had many feline-esque behaviours, vocalizations, and whatnot.
I learned about OtherKin, and eventually Therians, through the community (and the much larger Furry community) I was in, but never went over to participate in them. Engaged in my own inner battles and life in general, I would go from convincing myself that I felt phantom wings to thinking the entire concept was a pile of sh*t.
In the much later stages, almost some four/five years later, I decided my character at least existed in the "world of ideas," and eventually began to toy with the idea of myself being tiger of sorts. I had always really liked tigers (especially the white Bengal ones) and it was also the creature most people were apt to pick out for me in the "what animal are YOU?" game we all seemed to play throughout grade school. But I had always tied in this concept with ideas of spirituality, so when I hit my four-year-long period of Atheism/disbelief in anything spiritual/etc. the thought of being an animal-person went right out the window with everything else. I would like to stress that I did not act any differently, feel any differently, it is just that I both mentally blocked out the recognition of some things and found alternate explanations for others.
Flash forward to some months ago, and I am in the middle of a spiritual re-awakening.  In my searchings for my "totem" I came across Jaguar, and at first I thought that is what it was.  I have never experienced Jaguar as something separate from myself, and this eventually just became more and more apparent until I started digging up various mythos on Nahual and whatnot.  It finally hit me that I was feeling something very like a werecat, without the "shifting," and then I finally remembered that there are various online communities filled with people who have similar feelings.  I signed up with the WereList just over a month ago, and I have also read through tons of the old TO forum archives -- it was in the latter place that I finally discovered not all Therians or animal-people shift, and I also discovered alternate non-spiritual theories for why we are this way.
In the mental sense, I identify as feline(person), and have not really tried to narrow it down further than that, although I have started.  I like to read a lot, and reading what others have written has also convinced me to study various animals with feline-like traits too, so obviously this is a huge undertaking that will take me quite some time!  The concept of myself as "jaguar" is entirely spiritual-based, from glimpses of myself while I go about unrelated tasks in my visualizations, to two different entities referring to me as "Jaguar" and "Little Jaguar" specifically (indeed this helped me narrow down my original impression, which had been of a yellow-ish creature with tail, black-backed ears with white spots, and "spotted" all over.)  Relating myself to jaguar specifically is somewhat difficult, due to the lack of knowledge available on non-captive animals, but at least that area is ever-expanding.  So far I view a fair amount of Jaguar traits as being a kind of mish-mash of some tiger and some leopard, with a good amount of general feline thrown in for good measure.  But I have been looking at many wild felines in as much depth as I am able, and will probably keep doing so because the topic is just so darn interesting on its own.  For ease of reference I do use jaguar, although I have been known to refer to myself as feline and "cat" before too.  I was lucky enough to take a trip to Mexico this past January, which I think played a big part in my re-awakening of spiritual and other matters -- the feelings of my hikes out in the rainforest on tours was mostly indescribable.  It was familiar and yet not, comfortable and yet strange and new and therefore something to be wary of.  I do not want to automatically ascribe this to my Therianthropy, even in part, but it sure is tempting.
I do not think I have ever had a "mental shift."  I have very recently had some experiences with first a phantom muzzle, and then a full-on phantom body, but I am highly suspicious of these because they only happened after I joined on with some online Therian communities.  They were powerfully realistic though, to a degree not even closely attained by my imaginary phantom-wings.  I view myself as a mish-mashed blend of feline/jaguar and human, and believe I was born this way.  The closest experiences I have ever had to "phantom limbs" (aside from what I have already mentioned as being rather doubted on my part) are, well, "phantom muscles," as silly as that sounds.  This is something I started noticing far back to my obsession with horses, but it is something I have always been a little embarrassed to admit to others because it does sound, well, silly.  It is not always present, but I do experience feelings that I should have "more" muscles, or at least larger ones, and also sometimes that they are not arranged how they should be.  My body seems convinced it should have a tail, for although I do not feel phantom tails I have been known to try moving muscles in that area in order to swish or flick a tail.  I am highly jealous of the tails other animals have, especially felines.  Lately I have been working out and trying to develop my muscle mass, I have had massage therapists tell me that I have a fair amount more than your average female, and this is when I was not working out at all.  So I think it will be interesting to see what kind of body I can develop this way.  Because of this I definitely feel more "me" when I move, where "me" is this felineperson so it is hard to say I feel more "feline" (I get this feeling when I do other things to, some of which are very human, but all of which are things I enjoy.  The feeling is at its strongest when I am engaging my muscles in movement however, and focusing on how they contract/relax and how my body moves.)  Reading through some old posts on here, I would sum up my animalness in one word thusly: musculature.  "Movement" is almost what I went for, but really it is one of the mechanisms of that movement which defines it for me -- and I experience the same thing when I am not moving at all sometimes too.

As for all of that "other stuff," I am 22, female-bodied, and female-identified.  I figured out I liked people from all genders sometime in late Jr. High, originally identified as bisexual but after I found out about the term pansexuality I have gone with that ever since (although "bisexual" is often a lot easier to explain.)  Always thought I had more of an inclination toward the female/feminine end of the spectrum however, and my experiences over the past two years now have done much to confirm this to myself.  I used to feel a lot more androgynous, I have a square jaw and naturally thick eyebrows plus my hair used to be quite short, and while those were not the source of my feelings of androgyny they certainly loaned themselves well to appearing as such.  But as I got older I just became more and more comfortable with the thought of myself as a female...... I just never thought it meant I was something "other" or "different" than any other genders out there.  We are all human, right?  My personal interests and hobbies cross many stereotypical gender boundaries, and I have been told by others on many occasions that my behaviour and habits do the same.  My interests and hobbies are indeed varied, from art (drawing and sculpture) and music and dancing, to electronics (both random gadgets and messing with electronic components/circuits) and computers and bodybuilding.  I have found a love of dressing rather feminine these past few years, so I guess you could say I also enjoy makeup and clothing and shopping, although I am still loathe to admit it even to myself.  I am very verbose and tend to ramble, and believe it or not I read far far more than I could ever spew out of my mouth.  My personal spiritual journeys have been calling me toward a path of Germanic Paganism reconstruction, and I study it (plus religion/mythology/theology in general, but that has been a personal interest for most of my life) when I am not studying Therianthropy/animals.  And I do all of that in my spare time. :P

Well, I think I have rambled enough for now.  Thank you for the entries already in this community, some have proved to be a very interesting read. :)

Comments

( 13 comments — Leave a comment )
aloiis
Jul. 4th, 2008 12:08 pm (UTC)
Hello there and welcome!

Thanks for sharing your detailed personal story swith us, I found it quite interesting to read about your discoveries, trials and errors/progress regarding your feline identity. Also like the idea of toying around with characters or archetypes while exploring one's identity. :) I too have wandered quite a bit since I started researching on who I really was/am, going from general feline and corvid to clouded leopard/caracal/raven to settle specifically on clouded leopard/common raven. Oooh how that makes me sound fluffy. ;) I wish you good luck on your path ahead.

Seeing how we share some interests (I have a Jaguar totem, am interested in gender blurbs and feminism - as a pansexual trans person - and being a feline person, as well as spiritual on the recon side of things) I would be interested in reading more of you from your journal. Would you be okay with mutual adding?

Edited at 2008-07-04 12:10 pm (UTC)
eat_sleep_fuck
Jul. 4th, 2008 12:15 pm (UTC)
I certainly would be, although I must admit there is not a whole lot in this journal yet. :) I have obviously been kicking around on the Internet for a while, and indeed have had various journals on this site and others. But the past few years I have been feeling constrained by my fears of how others reading my journal perceive me, something which is likely just all in my head but very strong nonetheless. So far my journal is mostly filled with the beginnings of my Therianthropic/Spiritual learnings and musings, but there are bits and pieces of other things in there and I hope to continue adding more and more general stuff. :)

I must admit that I have read through most of your site. I find personal Therianthropy websites intensely interesting, especially ones by people with some sort of feline identification. In one way it is daunting, as many descriptions are rather similar, and in another way it is encouraging to read of similar personality traits in others (and that they link these traits to some inner feline nature.)
eat_sleep_fuck
Jul. 4th, 2008 12:18 pm (UTC)
Erp, curse LJ for making comment-editing paid-account-only. Should be: "As despite small differences many descriptions are rather similar" and "that they also link these traits to some inner feline nature."
aloiis
Jul. 4th, 2008 12:22 pm (UTC)
I'm okay with that, and I must admit these days I talk more about daily life and gender than therianthropy or deep spiritual posts; I do want to get to know you, and don't feel pressured in posting Serious Entries with me :) this is LiveJournal after all. I mostly use it to keep in touch with friends and record my thoughts. Whatever you post is fine!

My site is in a bad need of update :P I haven't had the energy or time to do anything about it as of late (actually I haven't written in.. quite a while). I'm glad you seem to have enjoyed it. I too like reading from other feline people and I enjoy the like-mindness more than I find it repetitive I suppose. Each person adds their personal twist to what felinity is.
7deadlysins
Jul. 4th, 2008 03:58 pm (UTC)
Hi there. I think I recognize you from Werelist? (I was corvus corone over there)
eat_sleep_fuck
Jul. 4th, 2008 06:04 pm (UTC)
I certainly recognize you then, yes, and I am happy to see you posting over here so I can read more of your stuff. :)
wampus_cat
Jul. 4th, 2008 04:51 pm (UTC)
Hey, I've seen you around Werelist. Welcome to the community. :)

Thanks for sharing your spiritual journey with us. I actually had a similar thing with thinking I was a cat as a kid.
eat_sleep_fuck
Jul. 4th, 2008 06:08 pm (UTC)
Thanks, I definitely recognize your icon from there.

Yeah I was not entirely sure what to post, so I just went with the whole "history of my Therianthropy" thing other communities seem to encourage. The cat thing as a child landed me some teasing once grade school started, I liked to "act it out" and would frankly explain why when asked. :P Ah well, live and learn.
(Deleted comment)
eat_sleep_fuck
Jul. 4th, 2008 10:47 pm (UTC)
First, I apologize for my font, I will take care to not alter it in community posts in the future. :) I do alter it thanks to eyesight issues, and this is with the text size in Firefox turned up a fair amount -- after a point it really starts to mess with the layout of pages and makes things hard to find. I am saving up for some glasses though.

I currently believe the muscle thing is tied to my therianthropy, which would be to feline/Jaguar. The reference to horse in that passage is probably confusing, in my mind it is both a reference to how old I was when it started roughly, and also kind of me wondering if my habit of playing as horses initiated it/helped me notice it/whatever. I was still rather young at the time, and I am leery of ascribing my adult thoughts onto my childhood brain. Um. It is a sensation that has stuck with me for a while, I harboured it through my dragon-phase and thinking I was a draconic, although "my" dragon was far more serpentine and "flowy" she certainly had muscle though. It is a sensation I had when I disbelieved all of it too. But now you do have me wondering if it could be tied to Horse instead, ah. More things to ponder/ramble on about in my journal.
cougirl
Jul. 4th, 2008 07:17 pm (UTC)
I very much enjoyed your post here, and after reading some of the entries in your journal, I must ask: is it okay if I add you? I really enjoy reading your in depth essays on therianthropy.
eat_sleep_fuck
Jul. 4th, 2008 11:04 pm (UTC)
You can certainly add me, and I will do the same in return. :) I am glad you enjoy my ramblings, I do have fears that sometimes I am too heavily influenced by the many things I read, and well I could really pretty up the language...... but it is nice to hear that others enjoyed it. I do remember seeing your name/icon in places, although if it was just on LJ or elsewhere too I am uncertain. I should like to read your things too. :)
sonne_windsoul
Jul. 4th, 2008 10:15 pm (UTC)
Welcome to the group :). I've also seen you around on Werelist. And thanks for the informative intro, it was interesting, as are your therianthropy entries on your journal (I haven't had time to read them much yet, though what I looked over sounded intriguing).
eat_sleep_fuck
Jul. 4th, 2008 11:20 pm (UTC)
I love reading your posts wherever I find them, I am a fast reader and enjoy the length/depth that you go into. :) I am glad you found my entries interesting, although I do stress that I am still very new to thinking of myself this way and trying to "find my way" as it were. I have plans to take off from outside influences for at least a month, maybe more, and see how my therianthropy stands up once I am no longer reading about it/interacting with Therians/etc. (plus I think it would really help me develop more original thoughts/ideas/etc. because I do read so much and that can be rather influential.) But that will not happen for a bit yet.
( 13 comments — Leave a comment )

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